Malfuzat – Volume III — Page 121
121 glance upon the world around me and those that seek it, I feel an immense degree of pain and I struggle at an internal level as well. I was once walking along the Jhelum River when I witnessed a wondrous vision of prem (love); I felt such a joy and delight. Wherever I turned my sight, I felt nothing but pleasure and tranquil- lity. Whether it was in eating and drinking, walking and moving about; in short, every single movement and in every action, I felt an overarching sense of love. After a few hours had elapsed, this vision ended, but a remnant of it remained for about two months after; that is to say, I began to undergo an experience of lesser pleasure. At this time, I am in an inexplicable state of anxiety. I have tried tirelessly to experience the same once more, but to no avail. It was in search of this that I came to Babu Abnash Chandar Formdar in Lahore, who is an active member of the Brahmo Samaj, but unfortunately, he could not give me more than a few minutes of his time, and even that meeting was out of his office. Then I visited Pandit Shiv Narayana Satyananda Agnihotri and I felt that the people here were somewhat perceptive of spirituality. For some two months, I worked in their high school situated in Moga as a Third Master and continued to strive for my own self-reformation. I went there for no other reason than to make a life for myself. During this period I did begin to witness somewhat of an experience; however, this was by no means sufficient to satisfy me and grant me the comfort that I sought. I could not find the tranquillity and love that I desired and for which I was in search. Although I had wanted to remain there patiently, I fell ill and had to return. In my own city, I once heard Sheikh Maula Bakhsh Sahib read out the exposition that you had written for the Conference of Great Religions. I was going along, absorbed in my own thoughts, when I heard him reading out your paper. Extraordinarily, my soul felt that these words were full of light and the person whose words these are must also be a man who possesses inner light. I read your paper many times and developed a desire to visit Qadian. However, in view of the recent incident of Lekhram’s murder, whenever I would ask any Muslim in Lahore the way to Qadian, they would refuse to tell me. Perhaps those Muslims thought that I was planning to murder Mirza Sahib. In any case, my heart was in a state of anxiety. Now that desire of mine has been fulfilled and I would like to bring about a reformation in my life. It is for this reason that I have submitted myself in the presence of His Holiness. ” p. 107