The Afghan Martyrs — Page 123
Afghanistan surfaced within me. Then there was a pause. Within me I wondered if, in the belief that I would not be sent after all, it was a merely desire for a display and secure in this belief I could easily tender my life. Then in my own mind I made an assessment of the trials and tribulations that I may have to face. I made myself recognize the fact that immediate martyrdom is not a prize readily attainable by all. I then asked myself if I was presenting myself in the confident hope that immediately on arrival there, shedding all worldly problems I would attain the rank of martyrdom, or whether while still living for a while, and without veering away from martyrdom, I really had the courage and endurance to repeatedly present my life for the sake of Allah. Sir, I am weak, I am lazy and I love leisure. The response that I received from my inner self assured me that it was not a desire for a display or an exhibition. Nor was it an urge for immediate martyrdom or a desire to be relieved of worldly problems. To me it appeared a chance for penance, atonement of my transgressions and collecting good for the hereafter. It was merely to seek the pleasure of Allah that I was keen to present myself. If someone who is worthless and a sinner like myself may be enabled to serve then I long to utilize my remaining days to win the pleasure of Allah. Beyond that I do not seek any prize or recognition. Sir, I am no essay writer and in your presence both my tongue and my pen fail me. A poet has said: 'Perhaps being dumb can interpret the overwhelming desire better, as before the Beloved, eloquence hardly ever succeeds. I end this letter on this note, i. e. I am ready to leave for Afghanistan whenever Huzoor directs. I am desirous of Huzoor's prayers and seek Allah's pleasure. 123